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Field notes

The deep-sea journal of Useless

Useless is the network’s eraser-in-residence. After owls, hedgehogs, bees, sharks and penguins, it has been lowered into the sea in a jam jar. Every fact in here has been checked by someone more qualified, i.e. anyone.

Useless, a pink-and-blue eraser with googly eyes
  1. Day 1

    Octopuses have three hearts. I have none, and I still get emotional when someone uses me on a spelling mistake. checked

  2. Day 2

    Octopus blood is blue because it runs on copper. Mine would be pink, if I had any. I’ve checked. I don’t. checked

  3. Day 3

    An octopus tastes things by touching them. I’ve been touched by a lot of pencils. I’d rather not know what they taste of. checked

  4. Day 4

    Each octopus arm has its own mini brain. I have one brain for my whole body and it is mostly thinking about crumbs. checked

  5. Day 5

    Octopuses can open jars. I can’t open anything. I once spent an afternoon stuck to a sticky note. checked

  6. Day 6

    An octopus can squeeze through any gap its beak fits through. I can fit through gaps too, mostly by accident, behind the radiator. checked

  7. Day 7

    Inky the octopus escaped down a drain pipe to the sea. I escaped once, as far as the bottom of a pencil case. Nobody noticed. checked

  8. Day 8

    The heart that pumps an octopus’s blood stops when it swims, so it prefers to crawl. I also prefer to crawl. I also prefer not to. checked

  9. Day 9

    A deep-sea octopus guarded her eggs for 53 months, and nobody ever saw her eat. I skipped breakfast once and wrote a complaint. checked

  10. Day 10

    The mimic octopus can pretend to be a flatfish, a lionfish or a sea snake. I can pretend to be a slightly smaller eraser. Give me a week. checked

  11. Day 11

    Veined octopuses carry coconut shells around to hide in later. I carry nothing. I am the thing that gets carried. checked

  12. Day 12

    Octopus ink has a chemical in it that stings a predator’s eyes. My only defence is being very slightly smudgy. checked

  13. Day 13

    The plural is octopuses. Octopi and octopodes are allowed too. I’m sticking with octopuses: fewer letters to rub out. checked

  14. Day 14

    A dumbo octopus was filmed nearly 7 km down. The deepest I’ve been is under the sofa, and it was dark there too. checked

  15. Day 15

    The argonaut is an octopus that builds itself a paper-thin shell. I’m an eraser that lives in a paper-thin box. We have a lot in common. checked

  16. Day 16

    Octopuses might recognise individual people. I recognise one person: whoever is about to rub me on a maths mistake. checked